Friday, July 9, 2010

3 AM Blathering

I was brought to the memory from when I was about 14, by my aunt yesterday. All she said was "Don't you remember the foreign exchange student who lived with grandma?" Oh. Yeah, that.

I'm so embarrassed about the entire situation, but glad that her husband kept my secret. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have learned for myself, and someone may have told me, but it wouldn't be the same.

Ok, let's get into details lol, the paragraph before might have been confusing!

During the winter break of when I was in eighth grade, I went to my grandparent's house for a couple weeks. There was this very cute, 17 year old foreign exchange student living with them at the time. He seemed funny, so I tried to flirt with him (not very well I might add, the majority of what I did was watch him play video games). Anyway, I tried to get him to like me. Somehow that ended in him slapping my butt when he thought we were alone (my uncle happened to walk in just then). My uncle wanted to chastise the boy, but I was like "it wasn't a big deal" and was so embarrassed. A couple days later I went home with my family to return to school, and within a couple months said boy was back in Thailand. I was so excited that an actual boy had liked me, so...frenzied for that adoration. I didn't really possess self-confidence, just a knowledge that I would be worth something if I could get married and have children.

I have trouble differentiating between like and lust I guess--I really honestly did like him, but I'm guessing he was after a booty call (this is from the fact that we never really had a conversation or hung out, and he didn't really possess an interest in me as a person). I just wanted someone to like me.

Some days I wonder if I'll ever get married. I feel like that is the pinnacle of a good mormon woman's life--I mean, yeah you have a couple good women like Sherry Dew who "didn't get the opportunity to marry in this life", but the vast majority aren't regarded that way. I feel like mormon culture teaches that if you're over 25, female, and single, there must be something wrong with you, some inadequacy. There is a reason why you're not married with babies running around you.

I like babies. But I guess I've been stuck on this idea of being perpetually single recently, and how that is better than being in a relationship where the other person's main goal is just free sex. There are so many personal inadequacies that might lead me to being perpetually single, lots of things to work on.... but some days I wonder if I even want to put in all the effort to try to be more open with those I love about my feelings or to not be so fat (I really need to start losing weight, if for nothing but my own health benefits, but that is another story). I need to find the motivation to change myself for me and to be happy with myself as I am. You can be a good woman without being married. You can be a happy woman without having kids. I'm off to figure out how to get God to help me figure out why I'm not as happy as I ought to be.