I was brought to the memory from when I was about 14, by my aunt yesterday. All she said was "Don't you remember the foreign exchange student who lived with grandma?" Oh. Yeah, that.
I'm so embarrassed about the entire situation, but glad that her husband kept my secret. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have learned for myself, and someone may have told me, but it wouldn't be the same.
Ok, let's get into details lol, the paragraph before might have been confusing!
During the winter break of when I was in eighth grade, I went to my grandparent's house for a couple weeks. There was this very cute, 17 year old foreign exchange student living with them at the time. He seemed funny, so I tried to flirt with him (not very well I might add, the majority of what I did was watch him play video games). Anyway, I tried to get him to like me. Somehow that ended in him slapping my butt when he thought we were alone (my uncle happened to walk in just then). My uncle wanted to chastise the boy, but I was like "it wasn't a big deal" and was so embarrassed. A couple days later I went home with my family to return to school, and within a couple months said boy was back in Thailand. I was so excited that an actual boy had liked me, so...frenzied for that adoration. I didn't really possess self-confidence, just a knowledge that I would be worth something if I could get married and have children.
I have trouble differentiating between like and lust I guess--I really honestly did like him, but I'm guessing he was after a booty call (this is from the fact that we never really had a conversation or hung out, and he didn't really possess an interest in me as a person). I just wanted someone to like me.
Some days I wonder if I'll ever get married. I feel like that is the pinnacle of a good mormon woman's life--I mean, yeah you have a couple good women like Sherry Dew who "didn't get the opportunity to marry in this life", but the vast majority aren't regarded that way. I feel like mormon culture teaches that if you're over 25, female, and single, there must be something wrong with you, some inadequacy. There is a reason why you're not married with babies running around you.
I like babies. But I guess I've been stuck on this idea of being perpetually single recently, and how that is better than being in a relationship where the other person's main goal is just free sex. There are so many personal inadequacies that might lead me to being perpetually single, lots of things to work on.... but some days I wonder if I even want to put in all the effort to try to be more open with those I love about my feelings or to not be so fat (I really need to start losing weight, if for nothing but my own health benefits, but that is another story). I need to find the motivation to change myself for me and to be happy with myself as I am. You can be a good woman without being married. You can be a happy woman without having kids. I'm off to figure out how to get God to help me figure out why I'm not as happy as I ought to be.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Speaking of parents...
Why is my dad so able to push my buttons and get under my nails? Sometimes it makes me want to never submit another suggestion. I knew that when I was 14 and I did EFY, my dad thought I was too young. This is the first summer since then I would be able to go down and actually do it because I didn't have responsibilities. I knew my dad loved his time at EFY when he was 17 and 18. I figured it might be a fun experience to drive down with my brother, it would get my car there, I might get some spiritual insight, and I would have opportunities to apply for jobs during the next week. I just *suggested* it--and in turn he basically shot it down as a stupid idea because I wouldn't have enough boys to flirt with. I feel like he not only completely missed my point, but.... I guess I just feel misunderstood. Seriously, just because I'm an 18 year old Mormon girl doesn't mean my only goal in life is to get a husband.
Oh, on top of that, here is a beautiful quote I was given to read at church for a lesson:
Question 4, Quote 2
"Fatherhood is leadership, the most important kind of leadership. It has always been so; it will always be so. Father, with the assistance and counsel and encouragement of your eternal companion, you preside in the home'"
Makes me feel so inspired to go become a mother! So I can devote 9 months of my life to growing a baby inside me, give birth--permanently changing my body, have my husband spend every day at work while I teach my children, raise them, help them grow--so that he can be the most important leader and I can assist him. Oh, don't forget encourage him! You go husband, you're doing such a great job presiding!
Gag me with a spoon, please!
Oh, on top of that, here is a beautiful quote I was given to read at church for a lesson:
Question 4, Quote 2
"Fatherhood is leadership, the most important kind of leadership. It has always been so; it will always be so. Father, with the assistance and counsel and encouragement of your eternal companion, you preside in the home'"
Makes me feel so inspired to go become a mother! So I can devote 9 months of my life to growing a baby inside me, give birth--permanently changing my body, have my husband spend every day at work while I teach my children, raise them, help them grow--so that he can be the most important leader and I can assist him. Oh, don't forget encourage him! You go husband, you're doing such a great job presiding!
Gag me with a spoon, please!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Mother's Day Versus Father's Day
It kind of occurred to me today--on mother's day, leaders spend so much time trying to be politically correct and sensitive. Although we're happy to celebrate mothers, we know that we must be careful--so many women were never married through no wrong of their own, or were unable to have children. So much energy is put into emphasizing that that all women are mothers in the church, through the work they do each day. Their influence includes all the children that they interact with--and they will have children in the next life.
On the opposite side, Father's day is about just that--fathers! And from the people around me, it seems like if you're not a father, then oh well it isn't your holiday, big deal.
Is this just another societal convention basically saying that women are weak and need protection whereas men shouldn't have feelings and ought to just tough it out? I think the majority of the worrying about being sensitive to it is worrying that women will leave crying--thus this censorship, tip-toeing around a reality--it inspired by the behavior of women.
By what about the guys? Does infertility really affect men less? I know that a lot of women who deal with it feel like they're missing out on an essential part of womanhood, that they've failed their husband. Do men not share this feeling? If so, is it caused by a social expectation that women=babies and men=bachelors=freedom and happiness? I don't know--I just find the discrepant odd.
I was reading over at FMH and Reese-Dixon was talking about how since her father didn't have a good impact on her life, her father's day talk would be directed about our Heavenly Father. In her situation I think I would have focused on what fathers in general *can* do, how they, along with their wife, can jointly lead their children toward choices that will make them happy. I know that R-D is married, so I find it interesting that she didn't take that path. One commenter praised her talk on the merit that it wasn't another talk saying how awesome men are. Don't get me wrong, I think that women are just as good, just as important, as men. But when I get up there on mother's day, I'm going to go in there and talk about how amazing my mother is and what a good influence she has been on my life. Mothers in general are an inspiration. So why not fathers? Although moms are unappreciated, so are dads, sometimes.
Happy Fathers' Day to all and I hope that you can remember all that *both* of your parents have done for you!
On the opposite side, Father's day is about just that--fathers! And from the people around me, it seems like if you're not a father, then oh well it isn't your holiday, big deal.
Is this just another societal convention basically saying that women are weak and need protection whereas men shouldn't have feelings and ought to just tough it out? I think the majority of the worrying about being sensitive to it is worrying that women will leave crying--thus this censorship, tip-toeing around a reality--it inspired by the behavior of women.
By what about the guys? Does infertility really affect men less? I know that a lot of women who deal with it feel like they're missing out on an essential part of womanhood, that they've failed their husband. Do men not share this feeling? If so, is it caused by a social expectation that women=babies and men=bachelors=freedom and happiness? I don't know--I just find the discrepant odd.
I was reading over at FMH and Reese-Dixon was talking about how since her father didn't have a good impact on her life, her father's day talk would be directed about our Heavenly Father. In her situation I think I would have focused on what fathers in general *can* do, how they, along with their wife, can jointly lead their children toward choices that will make them happy. I know that R-D is married, so I find it interesting that she didn't take that path. One commenter praised her talk on the merit that it wasn't another talk saying how awesome men are. Don't get me wrong, I think that women are just as good, just as important, as men. But when I get up there on mother's day, I'm going to go in there and talk about how amazing my mother is and what a good influence she has been on my life. Mothers in general are an inspiration. So why not fathers? Although moms are unappreciated, so are dads, sometimes.
Happy Fathers' Day to all and I hope that you can remember all that *both* of your parents have done for you!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The Liberated Woman...
Gloria Steinem, born in 1935, said "A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after". This phrase has been on my mind--I mean, obviously, I'm not running around having sex to prove societal conventions wrong. But that is my choice. What do I do to figuratively stick it to the man though?
I live a pretty traditional life--my father went to work all day, my mom stayed at home--although my mom has always worked for home on the side--indeed, she has more education than my dad. What do I do in my life that reflects my liberation?
I guess there are the small things--I call guys on it when they say things that are out of line (...most of the time), I question Sunday school teachers as they preach the same old sexist "doctrine" (silently)... I don't know.
Sometimes I don't feel very feminist. Then I go to church, like I did today. Relief Society was centered on why we need to protect our husbands and teenage sons from the evils of the world, especially pornography. She exhorted us that when the Victoria Secret Catalog arrives, we should rush to get it out of our house, so it won't corrupt their tender minds, because it is their "nature" to be tempted by that. Gag me with a spoon. If they want to look at porn, they'll google it. If you block it, they'll use a proxy. If you block every existing proxy (impossible, trust me, kids get around it), they'll go to a friend's house, a library, an internet cafe, something. If you try to mother your husband, he is going to be bitter. Eventually, every helicopter parent's kid grows up, and then that son or daughter has to live on their own--and when the Victoria Secret Catalog comes, you're not going to be there to say "Shield your eyes!!!!!!!". I'm all for protecting your families, but the fact that she pushed for so much "protection" over actually teaching them how hurtful it can be, and the fact that she never once mentioned their daughters, and that women can be affected by these temptations too... Ugh!
Call me a feminist!
I live a pretty traditional life--my father went to work all day, my mom stayed at home--although my mom has always worked for home on the side--indeed, she has more education than my dad. What do I do in my life that reflects my liberation?
I guess there are the small things--I call guys on it when they say things that are out of line (...most of the time), I question Sunday school teachers as they preach the same old sexist "doctrine" (silently)... I don't know.
Sometimes I don't feel very feminist. Then I go to church, like I did today. Relief Society was centered on why we need to protect our husbands and teenage sons from the evils of the world, especially pornography. She exhorted us that when the Victoria Secret Catalog arrives, we should rush to get it out of our house, so it won't corrupt their tender minds, because it is their "nature" to be tempted by that. Gag me with a spoon. If they want to look at porn, they'll google it. If you block it, they'll use a proxy. If you block every existing proxy (impossible, trust me, kids get around it), they'll go to a friend's house, a library, an internet cafe, something. If you try to mother your husband, he is going to be bitter. Eventually, every helicopter parent's kid grows up, and then that son or daughter has to live on their own--and when the Victoria Secret Catalog comes, you're not going to be there to say "Shield your eyes!!!!!!!". I'm all for protecting your families, but the fact that she pushed for so much "protection" over actually teaching them how hurtful it can be, and the fact that she never once mentioned their daughters, and that women can be affected by these temptations too... Ugh!
Call me a feminist!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Relief Society--5/16
"What is a prophet?" the teacher asked, as we groaned at the hackneyed question. She reached over and began putting up papers onto the boards, each one with its own magnet on the blackboard. "Speaks For God" the first one read, and we all nodded. She pointed to the example, and explained "If the prophet says something, and someone else claims something different, you know that you can always trust the prophet's words and know that the other person is a liar". She followed this up with the oft-used Wilford Woodruff quote that says
"The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray".
So where does that leave personal revaluation? Where does that leave opinions (not doctrine) of the prophets? After all,
"Not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine. A single statement made by a single leader on a single occasion often represents a personal, though well-considered, opinion, but is not meant to be officially binding for the whole Church. With divine inspiration, the First Presidency (the prophet and his two counselors) and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (the second-highest governing body of the Church) counsel together to establish doctrine that is consistently proclaimed in official Church publications. This doctrine resides in the four "standard works" of scripture (the Holy Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price), official declarations and proclamations, and the Articles of Faith."
I still feel like it is unfair to say that anyone who disagrees with a prophet is a liar. A prophet said that people live on the sun--which is pretty obviously not true. I disagree--and yet I'm not a liar. So much of what the prophet says is influenced by his generation.
She continued saying "And, when we get new commandments from the prophets, sometimes they can be hard to accept, but 15 wise men of God agreed to them, so we need to harken and obey". I don't disagree with that... it just kind of makes me sad that women aren't involved at all.
"Have you all read the messages from the priesthood session of conference? Remember, they're not Just for men, they have valuable counsel for us too". I don't disagree with that either. But I do ask why I'm not allowed to go to it.
On the same line, I was thinking about it, and my question was why, in the mission field, can't women be APs or hold leadership positions? It is my understanding that all of the leadership roles are given to male missionaries. Because they have the priesthood? Really? The majority of the leadership positions take organization, nurturing, and understanding. You have to work with the missionaries to help them stay on track. So it totally makes sense that this calling is required to be given to a 20 year old man, and cannot be given to a 23 year old woman. Because women can't do any of those tasks, obviously. Someone give me a call when that makes sense -.-
"The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray".
So where does that leave personal revaluation? Where does that leave opinions (not doctrine) of the prophets? After all,
"Not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine. A single statement made by a single leader on a single occasion often represents a personal, though well-considered, opinion, but is not meant to be officially binding for the whole Church. With divine inspiration, the First Presidency (the prophet and his two counselors) and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (the second-highest governing body of the Church) counsel together to establish doctrine that is consistently proclaimed in official Church publications. This doctrine resides in the four "standard works" of scripture (the Holy Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price), official declarations and proclamations, and the Articles of Faith."
I still feel like it is unfair to say that anyone who disagrees with a prophet is a liar. A prophet said that people live on the sun--which is pretty obviously not true. I disagree--and yet I'm not a liar. So much of what the prophet says is influenced by his generation.
She continued saying "And, when we get new commandments from the prophets, sometimes they can be hard to accept, but 15 wise men of God agreed to them, so we need to harken and obey". I don't disagree with that... it just kind of makes me sad that women aren't involved at all.
"Have you all read the messages from the priesthood session of conference? Remember, they're not Just for men, they have valuable counsel for us too". I don't disagree with that either. But I do ask why I'm not allowed to go to it.
On the same line, I was thinking about it, and my question was why, in the mission field, can't women be APs or hold leadership positions? It is my understanding that all of the leadership roles are given to male missionaries. Because they have the priesthood? Really? The majority of the leadership positions take organization, nurturing, and understanding. You have to work with the missionaries to help them stay on track. So it totally makes sense that this calling is required to be given to a 20 year old man, and cannot be given to a 23 year old woman. Because women can't do any of those tasks, obviously. Someone give me a call when that makes sense -.-
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Scary Similarities...
This is an excerpt from Growing Up bin Laden, during an interview with Osama bin Laden's first wife.
"..my husband allotted much of his time to patiently explain how important it was for me to live as an obedient Muslim woman. "Najwa," Osama said "for me, you are a prized pearl who must be protected." Smiling reassuringly, he promised "Just as the hard shell of the sea protects the exquisite pearl, I will be the hard shell protecting you."
My first reaction was "That is so wrong! She is an adult, she can take care of herself, if your definition of protecting her is making her stay in the house for months at a time under a full body veil, you can get the heck out! She doesn't need to be hidden from the world because she is prized, that is BS and so screwed up!"
My second thought was... that kind of sounds like our concept of our Mother in Heaven.
"..my husband allotted much of his time to patiently explain how important it was for me to live as an obedient Muslim woman. "Najwa," Osama said "for me, you are a prized pearl who must be protected." Smiling reassuringly, he promised "Just as the hard shell of the sea protects the exquisite pearl, I will be the hard shell protecting you."
My first reaction was "That is so wrong! She is an adult, she can take care of herself, if your definition of protecting her is making her stay in the house for months at a time under a full body veil, you can get the heck out! She doesn't need to be hidden from the world because she is prized, that is BS and so screwed up!"
My second thought was... that kind of sounds like our concept of our Mother in Heaven.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Adams Apple, Deep Voice, Large Hands...
And an ego???
Long story short, yesterday I dropped a can of spaghetti sauce on my brand new white shoes. A good friend of mine, who is male, worriedly inquired "Are you okay?" I told him that I was fine, although my ego was a little bruised. He almost died of laughter. "Girls don't have egos!" He exclaimed.
I spent the next while talking to, but he was stubborn. Evidently he considers pride right up there with man-parts.
I wonder if this sexist view is more common than I think.
Moreover, it reminds me of how I feel at church sometimes when people bring up the "Girls need to dress modestly because otherwise guys will be aroused because they're helplessly horny". I don't know, it just seems like boys are taught that certain behavior is okay that from a girl would be wrong since boys will be boys. Ugh.
Long story short, yesterday I dropped a can of spaghetti sauce on my brand new white shoes. A good friend of mine, who is male, worriedly inquired "Are you okay?" I told him that I was fine, although my ego was a little bruised. He almost died of laughter. "Girls don't have egos!" He exclaimed.
I spent the next while talking to, but he was stubborn. Evidently he considers pride right up there with man-parts.
I wonder if this sexist view is more common than I think.
Moreover, it reminds me of how I feel at church sometimes when people bring up the "Girls need to dress modestly because otherwise guys will be aroused because they're helplessly horny". I don't know, it just seems like boys are taught that certain behavior is okay that from a girl would be wrong since boys will be boys. Ugh.
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